Friday 14 May 2010

The latest stay.

I guess you could say I have always been a little accident prone, in and out of hospital since day one of my life really. I didn't start my life in hospital as most people do, ironically, I was born at home! Anyway I have a bit of pressure on me at the moment, a few big decisions to make, which generally in my case means upsetting a few people. A few family issues that need resolution, although having spoken to several people about that, I may not bother at all with that. Then a few personal issues, decisions and a 'biggy' that simply need to be sorted before I will feel better.

So when I have things on my mind, I write. It takes away the pressure for a while.

I am going to write about my latest stay in Hospital. I really could write several books every time I go into hospital on some of the things, that happen not only to me, but I have witnessed too. I shall try to be concise!!

I was shown to my room in the hospital. I was disappointed not to have my own room as I wake on the slightest sound, so when you have to share a room with several hairy arsed (I presume!) blokes who will undoubtedly snore, well, the rest that I had fully intended to have whilst in there would be hard to come by..

The upside of this shared room scenario was that a lad who I had known for many years was in the same space so that made things a little easier.

The room stunk though. The reason for the smell was relayed to me by the friend in my room. Apparently the resident of the particular bed opposite me had not washed in 6 months plus. Neither himself nor his clothes. Although why the staff had allowed things to degenerate into such a sad state was not clear to me. I was told by everyone just to spray loads of deodorant and the like in the air.

I had stopped eating just about completely several weeks or months before. Along with not sleeping at all. I was also dodging the hospital food trolley. I had been in only three days when I was allowed to basically come home and spend the day at home and the night time in hospital.
I was walking miles at this time and 'running' on sugar literally. Even I sometimes wondered how I kept going sometimes. During my vast walkabouts around Calow, that's where the hospital is, I had come to know the estate and all the rat runs and short cuts. But since my last stay here, 3 years ago there had been a few alterations and additions to the roads around there. One night a 'familiar' one of the local residents shouted at me... "OI! You went up there last night. Still a dead end mate!" I had a kickabout at football with some of the locals one night too. I would consider moving into the area as I know the Postmaster and Newsagents and a lot of the Calow and locale residents are nodding acquaintances, everyone seems to nod in acknowledgement, which is nice. I knew there was a takeaway in Calow as one of my friends and I used to walk up there during my last admission 3 years ago. (I often wonder what happened to her, she had Anorexia, I have not spoken to her since last new year, but changed my phone and lost her number... Thinking aloud:))

I found myself outside the takeaway. Don't ask me what I bought, all I know is that it came to £12 and I intended taking it into the field and eating the lot. It was particularly cold outside during my tenure in Hospital so I decided to take the takeaway back to the Hospital grounds and go and find somewhere 'safe' to eat it (I HATE eating in front of anyone else) I ended up taking the takeaway straight up to my ward and plonking it on the Nurses station and telling them to share it all out. (I remember it didn't last long, the food)
I just remember breaking down in sheer desperation.

I was a bit peeved that someone actually said the takeaway was cold!!

One of the sweetest Doctors it has been my privilege to meet spoke at very great length with me, as well as the brilliant nurses on the ward, one in particular was amazing.

The ensuing conversations that took place did more to help me than anything than had gone before.

One of the outcomes of these life affirming conversation was that every day I would have salads ordered for me and over time these salads got me back into food. I used to make two plates into one massive plate of salad and after a few weeks enjoyed eating them at night. Why salad? I adore salad.

Remember I said I was incarcerated in a room with 4 other blokes? Well one of them could hardly be described as a 'hairy arsed bloke." He was just eighteen and had been in for quite some time. I had become quite friendly with him as he spent most of the night playing the Playstation 3, we struck up some great conversations into the wee small hours. For one so young he was incredibly articulate and knowledgeable. On the outside he looked particularly well. He looked very young. He had told me just about straight away that he hears voices in his head. How awful. I have never heard voices in my head but I empathised.

I grew quite fond of this lad, who was suffering quite a lot of bullying so I guess I kind of took him under my wing and looked out for him.

Then one night, we had been chatting (obviously I was getting on with everybody on the ward, Staff, most of who I knew anyway and other patients, some I knew, some I didn't)

The lad turned to me one night and said that he was hearing particularly bad voices that night. I wanted to know what they were saying.

"The voices are telling me to kill...." he said.
"Who are they telling you to kill?" I gently asked.
"You Rob. The voices are telling me to kill you."

Well as you can imagine I had not been sleeping during my stay up to then and this conversation was certainly not very conducive to attaining that sleep either.

It hit me the next day when I came back to my home and went to see some friends and recounted the previous nights conversation. The response was astonishment and "Not being funny Robin, but he might just do it, kill you. He could hide anything, anywhere."

I had not thought like this, I had talked him through these voices he was experiencing, trying to ascertain if he would indeed try to kill me and I just thought him such a little lamb that, no he wouldn't. BUT I decided to tell the staff about the conversation and my fears. I was told that he would be sent home on leave that night as a prelude to being released so not to worry.

Over in the corner by the window of the room I was staying in, was a man I became very good friends with too. He loved his music. He never went out of the room at all and he used to act as the unofficial 'security' guard for our room. When the choice was given to me one day after a few weeks if I wanted to go back onto my usual ward I wasn't sure if I wanted to move and I said let me think about it.

The lad over in the corner came over and sat on my bed.
"I would be so upset if you went. You are very attractive. I am so attracted to you."

This didn't upset or offend me in any way at all, in fact, it actually made me feel a lot better that day!

I knew the lad was gay but had no ideas he was holding a torch. We spoke it through and have managed to remain hugging friends to this day (I saw him a couple of weeks ago:))

I took the opportunity to move to my usual ward because I had got to know everyone on this particular ward and looked forward to seeing all the usual staff and getting to know new people.

I just hope that this particular lad didn't think I moved because of his ardour... I think and hope I told him this at that time.

Prior to these incidents I had my first asthma attack too and thought I was a goner.

Remember me saying that everyone (including the cleaners/domestics) was spraying anti deodorant and other such smelly stuff in the air to mask the smell that was caused by the unwashed resident in our room? I am not going to blame that directly for nearly causing me to die but it must play a huge part.

I remember that it was definitely within the first nine or ten days, but I was still having everyone in stitches, staff included. One particular night, very late on, I had decided to go and get on my bed and as was often the way someone would start a conversation and then a free for all usually happened! Anyway the said conversation had been going on for a while and I remember I was laughing so much, I tried to inhale a breath. Nope. And then the most awful rasping sound as some air managed to get into my lungs. I was panicking. By now two or three minutes had passed and I had run into the toilet and was seriously preparing to die. I didn't want my body to be the first real dead body that the young lad would ever see. I just remember being really cool about things (Remarkable really as I remember my mum had her first asthma attack at about my age, witnessed by me) This seemed to last for quite some time, there was like a band around my chest, nothing going in, nothing coming out. It eventually passed and so far I have not had anything like it since. But I am wary.

I was going to write and tell you how I saved a lads life by employing the Heimlich Manoeuvre in the dining room (TRUE) but have no time now.

I could write so much, but have to leave it there as I have to do something now.










Friday 23 April 2010

Lithium.


Of course, I'm fine....?

To the observant out there who actually read what I write here, you will have noticed it is nigh on 3 months since I last posted anything. I am going to write about why here and also so I don't have to write endlessly the same notes about why to a few others too!!

So here goes....

Every three years or so I end up in hospital. I lose too much weight (Too many years with eating disorders), my mood is too elevated (More about the 'moods' later) and sleep is something that doesn't happen...

Then anything from two months (my shortest and most recent stay) up to over a year later I eventually get discharged. The last few admissions have been relatively trouble free as quite a few years ago it was discovered that basically, Lithium 'rescues' me. I have MAJOR issues at the moment about my prognosis with Lithium, I am going to try to explain.

Firstly let me say I am a happy, fun loving guy, who could do with 'growing-up' a little maybe. I hope I am a good friend to have and would try to help anyone in genuine need.

I take lithium and I change. I am still 'me' inside. The drug just seems to steal the spark and the spotaneity that makes me.

Before, when it has been 'suggested' that Lithium is needed, I have always gone in hospital with the attitude that it will be alright as I always have the panacea that will rescue me again, should I need it. So now I have been told what I always knew was correct, that I will need to be on Lithium (And the ensuing blood tests) for years (A consultants' euphemism for 'Life.')

So what's the problem? I much prefer to be what and who I am, when not on Lithium. BUT even I admit that after the latest 'episode' when it was commented on by many of the staff that I had been discharged on previous admittances worse than the state that I went in this time, I just needed a rest and to get my voice back, believe me I never shut up, luckily, I don't talk too much crap and some of the misunderstandings can be amusing. Sometimes though I need to sleep so badly I could cry but I won't have sleeping tablets.

Another obviously, supposedly beneficial thing about Lithium is that it makes me feel hungry all the time... I am battling this and this is NOT a good thing, I know things are slipping somewhat on the calorie intake, but a little often is what I try and do, or loads every few days, again, not good.

I really don't know what to do and know I should just keep taking the lithium, it just sucks all confidence from me and makes me want to stay indoors more and more. I make myself go out daily though, but in the long term I can only see things getting worse.

I sleep so normally now, take 800mg of Lithium at night BUT just do not dream at all. Nothing. Nada. Now if you delve into my blog archives you will discover why no dreaming may be a good thing for me. I generally get into bed, now I have stopped sleeping in the bath (generally hour catnaps) well before midnight and wake between 6-9 am in a morning. It generally takes me an hour to groggily wake up though.

I have absolutely ZERO enthusiasm and don't look forward to much (ALL side effects) I don't laugh much anymore either, I still find things funny but find it hard to crack a smile.

Now I am totally 'Normal' again, do I stop taking Lithium and sit back, so to speak, and wait for the inevitable slide back into hospital (Which may not be a bad ride, given the shortness of my latest stay) Or keep taking Lithium and be, well, boring, and probably 14 stone by the end of summer too?


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Saturday 30 January 2010

Hmmm. Just a thought...


I think I need to change this particular posting places name....

((How about :))

BIRD DROPPINGS....

Very apt as I don't half post some squirrel droppings on here and I am birdbrained half of the time.

Plus I am Robin.

Click the link for a laugh

CLICK ROBIN

Oh. Thank goodness I am allegedly a European Robin.. And not the North American variant of said bird....

The North American Robin is known Genus latin name


The Robin does most of it's mundane living during the day and actually gathers in great flocks at night.... FACTAMUNDO!!

Beats Per Minute....



"I fall in love everyday....."

It doesn't half hurt when you fall and have nobody to catch you.

BPM

For that FLEETING
BEATING of my heart
WHEN will I EVER connect again and OPEN
UP TO YOU?
To have, to SHARE yet?
DREAM
However CRAZY the latest
'SCHEME?'
Do we all seek the SAME
'THING'S'
"We dreamed the same DREAMS"
I used to DREAM of

the phone (wedding) RINGS....
The BEAT goes on.... It's LIFE
we are ALL IN IT ~
I prefer the ELEVATED feeling EXERCISE the MIND
INCREASE THE

BEATS PER MINUTE....


Thursday 28 January 2010

A question of Faith?

HAITI

"We ALL, every man, woman and child, need to find SOMEBODY to apportion blame on for the Life changing and literally Earth shattering events that are happening in Haiti right now..."

I along with the rest of the Worlds inhabitants watched as the horrific events unfolded and continue to deteriorate on a minutely basis. (TWITTER has been the BEST for keeping in REAL touch with REAL events and not the sanitised view of most of the media. Although I applaud most of the Media for not allowing the pictures that we, the viewers receive. Images are still drawn, etched and tattoed in my brain at some of the pictures I saw on TV, in Newspapers (THE SUN!! ) The Hillsborough thing was the Suns downfall for YEARS!

Imagine what it must be like to actually live in Haiti? Before the Earthquake, Haitians on the whole, had NOTHING.....

Reported as being the 'poorest' country on the planet....

"NOW THE AVERAGE HAITIAN HAS EVEN LESS THAN NOTHING."

I too have been questioning my faith and my concept of GOD as an entity has changed...

I tweeted the other day....

"HOMIES, we are on our own. GOD has moved onto his next project."

I was brought up Christian. Sunday School, Crusaders>> (A youth and sports social group with a little bible study thrown in for good measure. Even then I felt the need to question) And I tried doing the Alpha Course recently, but found dishonesty RE the financial handlings of the Group where I attended the ALPHA course. All about who and why GOD exists allegedly, but, in most cases just an excuse to get people to pay a tithe, often more, towards the upkeep of the Parsons Porsche....

Anyway. I have been ECLECTIC with my Beliefs for some time. Borrowing the Tenets from all or many of the MAJOR PEACE loving religions and sometimes, but not too often, discuss issues with a few of these people who practice other methods too!

So let us say that a GOD, made the Earth? On his own? I think not.

When the great redeemer 'from the sky' made the Earth it was HUGE. Much bigger than it is now.

The acid rains and all the asteroids have depleted this massive planet of ours into a relatively tiny ball hurtling through time and space. DESTINATION UNKNOWN

WOULD GOD GET A GUILTY VERDICT FROM TWELVE ANGRY MEN?

NO SIR or MADAM he would get a NOT GUILTY

(The Catholics will be familiar with GUILT, that is not a slight, I have taken communion and often genuflect ((Not always in humour:)) Having dipped my toe into most of the religions I feel that the Catholic faith has many ridiculous rules, CONDOMS being the most stupid of all!!!!) <

See Africa.

Is it not reasonable to think that whoever created US and our Domain has either DIED or MOVED ON??

He may have created the pillars of wisdom that are the building blocks. He may have given his commandments << (ALL MORAL NECESSITIES?!) He left many stories behind. The best selling book in the world is a religious tome. Or it was. (JK Rowling?? hehehe!) <<>

I still have my BELIEF. But now I choose to mix and match those beliefs and live on the memories of whoever or whatever the man ( OR WOMAN! ) whose life we can read about or watch.

There is someone with you everyday.

YOURSELF.

I will not live in somebodies footsteps but, if I admire or indeed love that person or persons I will try to EMULATE, ACCOMMODATE but ALWAYS EVALUATE....."

This HAITI thing has affected me deeply and the tears have not stopped re that awful disaster.

Until today. My tears stop and I feel a little more myself....

2010 should be the BEST YEAR EVER.

The start was the WORST EVER and very reminiscent of the Tidal waves of about the same time a few years ago.

<(ovo)> Rob 12.18am 29/01/10

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Sunday 24 January 2010

Art as a therapy. For self and family.


Try this....

Empty your mind. I find that putting a totally random CD or turning the radio on helps.

I try to plan my day. Put yourself at the centre of your drawing. You may find other mediums for this too. Try using the stuff on the breakfast table and arrange them into an installation using say a pepperpot as a representation of yourself!

If you are going to do a drawing to represent where you are at right now in the world, a kind of self evaluation drawing I would recommend more than the 10 minutes limit that I suggest stops any unecessary too deep plumbing the mind!

The subconcious will often surprise you with the product and quality of these drawings or the emotions colours and thoughts contained therein.

Listen. Who cares if you think you can't draw. An illiterate orangutan in the deepest borneo rapidly depleting rainforest has the capacity to snatch a twig off the floor and etch a drawing of a banana on the beach whilst sunbathing for a spare ten minutes whilst not dodging game hunters!! <<>

Obviously don't think too deeply about every work or piece you produce and try different medium. Charcoal, clay, pastels and even try this...

You are at breakfast. Envisage yourself as say the tomato ketchup (This is good because it is nearly empty and you make a note to get more later, but must be heinz!)
And then make an installation using the other various bits of breakfast paraphernalia that may be strewn on your table.

Just try not to emulate Richard Dreyfuss in close encounters of the third kind and start producing works of art out of your bangers and mash. I suggest you eat it before it gets cold!

#TIP Often some of these shorter ten minute doodles become ideas or inspiration for future drawings and some of the productions of these drawings are not only OK themselves but have led to quite pleasing drawings later on!

"An artist will see potential pictures anywhere and everywhere. As will the photographer."

Your potential next masterpiece may be a segment contained in a fairly mundane picture, or one of the millions of images that your eyes produce and your brain assimilates on a nano secondly basis. I often wonder if people see beauty in most things like I do?

My mind frames pictures and stores them for me being able to instantly recall these pictures or portions of drawings at some later time when I need to sit quietly and draw. I don't want to be quiet so I have not been drawing the usual

MANGA Snoopy Landscapes COMICS Abstracts Cubist Superhero Doodles Cosmology

Or billions of other drawings that are contained yet a message from me to me.... When you feel the need to sit quietly again try some drawing and don't mind if you chuck more out than keep. Hey and maybe if you ever should run out of toilet roll you will always have a source of paper!

Just don't get in to neurosis over which drawing to choose to wipe....


<(ovo)> Rob xx 09.17 am 24/01/10

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Friday 22 January 2010

The meaning of WORDS.



WORDS.... They have no meaning.

Great song. Rubbish assertation.

WORDS. Have meaning. What would you be doing now if there were no such things as words?

They are the very thing that has enabled the denizens and others on the Planet to communicate.

Where do words come from? I used to wonder as a kid. I love words, their origins, definitions and synonyms. The very many way that words are assembled and the slightest slip by speech or mainly written can change the meaning of those words and turn the sentence into more of an affront!


And Ecology and Endocrinology just two more of the OLOGY words and their subjects I adore...

ETYMOLOGY, quite simply means where these words come from, their originance, who used them and their meanings their antonyms and synonyms ETC ETC.....

I am writing this and timing to see if I can write to a set deadline. I know I can actually but just thought I would pass a #TIP on to anyone kind enough to read!!

So WHERE did words come from?

GOD knows. OK. End of piece.... You know me by now! I have an opinion on anything and everything and am not going to end this there!!

So WORDS. They didn't come from your Mammy and Daddy, nor their progeny. They came from the animals that first set foot, claw or pad or indeed, if you attest to Darwin, FIN! HEE! (No anyone who watches the odd foreign film this is not the 'FIN')

These creatures needed to communicate with each other and those of the Fauna able to vociferate did so. Did they understand each other? I reckon not until the HOMO SAPIEN appeared.... And then started using various tools of the time (No laptops, netbooks or paper, nor the Biro or Fountain pen to write these utterances down. I reckon that the first cultured caveman of the time must have had breaks from dragging his bitches round by the hair and also time out from making said object of misogyny having time from making the carnal utterings... It is also my theory that the first words ever spoken more than once so therefore in common use must have been during the act of knee trembling. I doubt those pre~caveman words were "F*** ME!" either nor "I say Jeffrey it's freezing they say an iceage is on the way." :))

So as I have just overshot my deadline I am going to finish by saying that if YOU too have an ardent interest in words try reading a dictionary (OED everytime for me) preferably one with other types of word usage too.

Also use and choose your words well. I always try to remember it isn't called ENGLISH for nothing, and try to use my English well in the written form without reverting to the more LATIN or FRENCH use of swearing!!

Try checking LATIN out. This CLASSIC language, which at approved school (joky term for BORSTAL, a kind of Holiday camp for naughty schoolchildren of the time!! :)) I never went to any of these less than fine estabilishments, and bet they were taught a bit of Greek and Latin there! I think there may be a smutty joke there about Greek and Prison but can't be bothered to drag that out....

Any way I have just really enjoyed writing this so sod the deadline!! Quo Vadis and QED.

As is yet to be demonstrated I have no idea what the above two Queue words means but I may watch either on Telly anytime, they were both BRILLIANT VIEWING :O))

LOVE IT!!!

<(ovo)> Rob xx

22/01/10 19.14pm

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