2009 Royal Variety Performance

The Royal Variety Performance 2009

Blackpool Tower (First time since 1955)

(In the presence of the Dear Old Baked Bean herself)

As I couldn't get online tonight I thought that I would attempt to watch the performance all the way through.

I scribbled a few notes down about the performance and from those notes I am going to write a review about the acts that appeared tonight.

So curtain up and Compere Peter Kay, who I must admit I am not too keen on.

First act on were some men and maybe women, who jumped through hoops, but certainly no ' Cirque Soleil' not a great start I felt.

Cue more only mildly amusing Peter Kay and next came Comedian (Comedian used in the loosest terms possibly here) Hal Cruttenden.
Cruttenden, No me neither, heard of him I mean. A kind of cross between Michael 'David Wicksy Wicks' from Eastenders and Barry, also from Walford
The average only material delivered in an annoyingly high pitched Stacatto voice. Possibly, apart from Paddy McGuiness, amongst the weakest links of the Evening.

So things couldn't get much worse. Luckily things were on an upward swing, and I am glad I didn't switch over and stuck with it.

Whoopi Goldberg. Bet they didn't fly the Whoopi cushion over here by Ryan Air. Mind you, nor British Airways, considering they are in the mire.
I know she was here to introduce Sister Act - The Musical, a bizarre choice of presenter.... Hardly charismatic.

Enter the Ensemble of 'Sister Act - The Musical.' Hardly the most difficult of plays to be the costume buyer for. Several excellent individual performances and they all seemed to work together in perfect harmony.
Very impresed, I for one want to see this after watching and hearing the cast.

Next to be rolled out for the more than appreciative audience was Michael Buble. His Buble is certainly in the ascendency now....
Buble didn't really do it for me when I first heard his musical style and actually saw him for the first time. I thought he was too young to be dressed like a Penguin and sing the kind of Music that Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin did effortlessly; Big band.
I buy into the Buble now and have done for some time. His performance of 'Cry Me A River' was absolutely phenomenal. Not exactly someone who I would queue around the corner to buy tickets for his concert but his music turned up loud on your stereo, quality.The second song was not so good.
Not a very good arrangement for Mr Buble. It was played in too high a key for his voices comfort zone. And also not at all his style.
A shave would not have gone amiss either and he also looked very jowly tonight on the television.

Cut to yet another advert break. I spotted the cynical ploy of Product placement during the ad breaks. Many of the celebrities appearing on tonights show cropped up during these adverts.
Plus Ant and Dec. Possibly the most annoying Geordie Duo working on the Planet at the moment.

After the Ad Break next up Andre Rieu. Looking more like Mick Hucknall of Simply Red fames Grandfather with his flowing mane of peppery red hair. I thought he looked very ill at ease.
Along with the Johan Strauss orchestra.They played a couple of Classical standards and were very good in deed. The women were dressed beautifully. The men tonight for some reason, not just the men in the orchestra were all dressed as penguins.
So were the men in the audience. And most of the male acts too, buttoned up in black dinner suits. Would have preferred it to be a little less stiff with regards to the clothes that were being worn tonight.
Live Classical music can't be beaten.

Next, not as portly as he once was Jason Manford. Out of everyone on show tonight, I thought he looked, and probably felt out of place in his dinner suit.
Maybe being hypercritical here but, I think Jason needs to get his eyebrows trimmed near the bridge of his nose. I like Manford and his immediate engagement of the audience was a wonder to behold as he spun some classic funny yarns in his effortless flowing way.
"What's the hardest thing about having young twins?"" The pause. I was thinking the feeding or the nappies.
The answer? "Choosing your favourite," Amongst a few of Manfords original set.
Cut criminally short for television too.

Next up Britains Got Talent Winners 'Diversity'

But before Divesity came onto the stage Peter Kay delivered his funniest line of a disappointing night for him....
"I am surprised social services aren't involved, considering the way that Diversity throw that little kid about."

So to Diversity.
I love to see original and contemporary dance. But I do feel that these guys MAY have a limited Shelf-life and their longevity could be endangerd by the fact that working together in such a large Troupe of Hormones raging and I imagine arguments about money too. Not just choreography.
If they stay together for a long time it will at least give chance for the 'Little' one to not only learn how to dance but on the beat too, in time.
The only future in Diversity I feel, is the diversification of most if not all of them, Hmmm.

I have completely forgotten the Ventriloquist Paul Zerdin who absolutely stole the show. Along with his sidekick Sam, the oh so cute little stuffed puppet. The skills that this man shows are highly original. This man must be very busy writing new material. Good job too, I can see him making an absolute fortune.
Surely a matter of time before another show, but of his own on Primetime too.

Also quick mention for the acrobats who jumped through hoops Les 7 Doights De La Main, was their name, had to look that up. Also mention for the Singing girls, Here come the Girls with Chaka Khan, who I was aware of but missed.

I tried to keep to the running order as I was scribbling notes while watching...

But horribly out of order here. And Katherine Jenkins. Who sang Bring Me back to life. I love this song. I love Katherine, who looked as beautiful as ever, BUT....
This version of Evanescences Song, just did not work live.

Then to the disappointingly lofty Lady Gaga. Lofty because she was Suspended in the air sat at her piano about 5 metres in the air. A bizarre way to showcase Ms GaGa I thought. The Lady herself seemed more intersted in communicating with the cameras and the people at home who got a beautiful view of all the funny faces she was pulling.
Also how stupidly was she dressed? A frilly necked red leather cat suit. A cross between Uma Thurman in Batman And Robin, and a Character out of 'A Clockwork Orange' with the very bizarre eye makeup. She looked as though she was having a particularly nice organism while she was singing, either that or she pissed her pants.
Surprisingly disappointing as I think this lady is brilliant. Is she going Ga-Ga? I am 'Speechless.' The song she sung. Worse act of the night? Yup.

Next Australian amputee comedian Adam Hills. I knew he had an artificial leg, as I have seen him a few times. So I was a bit worried he would do too many of his one leg jokes, which I have seen before. He did a couple, that I had not heard before and made good use of his time allotted too. Too much self depracation about the leg
but followed it up with several cracking jokes. Probably pipped Jason Manford for the funniest comic on display to night.

So the very entertaining evening continued with Alexandra Burke, looking very bizzarely like a young Eartha Kitt, and dressed very unflatteringly in a crop top Yellow American Footballers kit complete with shoulder pads.
She also looked very heavy round the hips and it is in no doubt down to the choice of costume. Sack your stylist. Although the Dancers behind Alexandra were very beautiful so I ended up watching the Dancers instead of the normally very beautiful Ms Burke.
She sang the hopelessly catchy Broken Heels OK. Seven out of ten.

Quick mention of Miley Cyrus here. Two words. HUBBA! HUBBA! Too busy watching her sing to write much more than that. Great performance and great stage presence.

Mika was great and he did what Mika does best puts on a great show. He did.

And so to the penultimate act of a brilliant Variety Performance....The Pilobolus Dancers.

To say this was enchantingly brilliant and had me enchanted in a child like way, wondering how they did what they just did on stage. How would you describe what they did tonight?
A very cleverly devised and excellently performed Monochromastical, Behind a back lit opaque visor, very similar to the Shadow puppets that the chinese seem to love. But this done by humans.Again cut painfully short.
Shame really I could have watched this all night. Though wonder how they could introduce more colour into the act. I would also have liked not to have seen the purveyors of this highly original act after they had performed to maintain that wonderment and mystique.

And so to the headline act of tonights performance.

The Divine Miss M. Hmm. I wondered if shw would sing Wind beneath My Wings. She didn't start with that song. She finished with it. I was sat on the toilet at this time so didn't see her sing, heard her only.
As always she did a bit of her Raconteur act and the songs sounded good.

So to sum up the 2009 Royal Variety Show. A couple of duff acts. But not too duff. Peter Kay getting less funny as his personal fortune must be piling sky high.
But overall the pacing and the variety on offer was very pleasing.

Apart from ITV overdoing the adverts, the normally bum numbing show was a success.

A definite eight and a half out of ten.

Although I like the Queen of England, I don't particularly want to hear three cheers and see the old Baked Bean introduced to the fawning celebrities backstage so I tuned out at this point.

GREAT SHOW.


<(ovo)> xx

Rob. 17/12/09 04.00am Approx

This piece was typed while friends were round watching Katherine Tate. Just finished now. Mates have now gone so onto Facebook for a while.

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