Quick ramble... See where we go and what we talk about.
(Usually the best sort to read, rather than write.)
So as I started by saying I feel alone right now I'd better start there...
I have lived the independent, free of relationships, of a kind, for the last two years. Over two years now in fact. I am human. And, when I find that I get a little bit feeling 'on my own' as I do now, I usually go to one of the many social 'places' I frequent and find myself raised by the antics or the camaraderie that abounds in these places. I have met little if any real intimidation or nastiness. I can't stand conflict. Of any kind. Arguments happen sure. But one has to be prepared to bite ones lip and back down from time to time. Even if you are certain you cannot be wrong. About anything. (This is usually the cause of all arguments, people asserting that they are better than you)
I think this yen to be with someone, the need to be able to share all nature of things, is a genuine change for the better and has certainly helped me with my own confidence and assertion in the real world, with the interaction of many people.
I only decided to join first Facebook, then Twitter and MySpace, Youtube and other various chat networks in April this year. And after a summer cancer scare allied with still endlessly ongoing dietary related issues forcing me to take time out. More time 'out' in the 8-9 months so far from my favourite place. Twitter. I love Facebook, but it is too slow. It also has a penchant for booting you off Scrabble... And then not being able to find your game again. Annoying, Facebook. Very annoying at times, and then at other times when loads of people are 'playing out,' highly entertaining, so long as you surround yourself with the right kind of people.
Already, I am feeling better, I am getting my second or third days wind now. Been an awful week, sleepwise. But got quite a few bits and pieces done. And estabilished contact with a few more real movers and shakers. (No I haven't been to see my mum)
So why aren't I in the social networking sites now? I am actually exhausted. I am quite upset as I have nothing in to chow on. Nothing apart from some Spaghetti. (To be used by sometime last year.)
Those who know me know why I seldom stock up on food. To those who don't, well let's just say Annie Rexia. And yes. Men do suffer too. Not going to go into depressing mode here. I have friends, very great friendships built up over time and conversations and have shared not just myself and a lot of my inner fears, but listened to people, sometimes at great length, and been amazed by some of the confidences placed in me. Really. Some horrifying, but most serious and personal things. I too may have placed certain confidences on people too. But, I feel totally comfortable to be able to do this.
I am actually a very private person. Highly private. How can other people 'know' one as a person when this person doesn't even know himself what he is actually capable of.... A bit cryptic but it makes sense. I do know myself. I am comfortable with who I am.. I hate myself sometimes. I 'punish' myself in the most bizarre ways. Usually to do with the dietary thing.... Won't say more, at the moment about that.
So it's after 4am on Sunday morning and I have been up for what seems like days... And give or take the odd few hours in the bath having a sleep, it has indeed been days.
This is how it has been for 32 years... The sleep thing. The dietary issues were diagnosed over 20 years ago now, but actually started when I was at school, with the fingers down the throat to get out of going to school, and when I did go to school, buying cigarettes out of my dinner money.
Anyway. I don't feel alone now. I am not alone in fact. There is a pesky varmint of a fly buzzing me... Temporarily put me off my stride. Houseflies carry a scary amount of diseases. There seems to have been a lot of flies this summer. Huge ones at that.
Christmas. Round the corner. In fact closer than that now.... No presents bought yet. I used to spend a fortune on presents and enjoy the whole shopping experience at Christmas. I am in the festive spirit, but the whole Christmas thing is stupidly overblown now, and focusing on the financial side...
And food? What is it with food. To finish I am just going to say that it is no wonder that all these supermarkets, don't just make obscene profits, and not share those profits, on the whole. They don't pay the suppliers enough and are more interested in the shareholders dividends than the 'core' customer.
Customer services at these supermarkets seem to be horribly below par too.
Anyway. I am going to bed with Marion Keyes and see if she can send me to sleep with her beautifully simple crafted words....
Until later. I hope I get some sleep.
<(ovo)> 3.25am
Rob xx
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