Life's a beach....
Really. I am having the time of my life at the moment....
I have pretty much started feeling quite good about myself for quite a few months. Due very much to all you lovely people on Twitter and Facebook. I have just the few MAJOR problems right now. I am going to try and open up on here a little.
To anyone who truly knows me, you know how private I am. I never tell. I never will. But this causes me some problems...
I have been to see my Social Worker, Phil, today. I honestly wasn't going to go. My appointment was at 2pm. I sauntered in at Half past. Now this is not unusual. I often joke that I will be 'late' for my funeral! I trust Phil. My social worker tells me like it is. No bullshit. For this reason I trust him and love him like a brother and I have actually divulged about 0.25% of my inner conflicts to him. I am glad I have someone who I can text or ring anytime of night or day and talk. I have texted him a few times and used the option of ringing him on one occasion recently.
Now. I don't like asking for help and I don't exactly take the 'help' on offer, and believe me, there have been many offers of said help. So when my social worker says... "There are so many people who genuinely care about you." Well, even now I find this very hard to accept. I have a fear of being touched by strangers. Both physically and emotionally. Emotionally touched? How does that work? Well, I find I stray away from forming relationships of a 'more than platonic' nature. This is ridiculous I know. I can't survive on my own. I really can't. My last long term relationship, it hit me hard. I had genuinely met the girl of my dreams. Ha! What a fucking nightmare she turned out to be!!
Anyway I will never sully my happy memories of my 'over' two years with this lady and it was great fun being engaged and having holidays all the time in Ireland and travelling the country on trains and me driving us everywhere at every given opportunity often at breakneck speed, which was enjoyed by all of us. I had another family. And they all really liked me. I belonged. I could be my usual idiotic, always on the go and cheeky chappy, that I always was. As a kid I was actually quite precocious and always had my head in books, radio on and watched telly all night in bed. Drawing and even at an early age I knew that I could write. Lyrics, poetry and stories long or short. The words just seem to pour out and luckily some of these words must be assembled in the right order because they seem to form readable, understandable and sometimes quite interesting sentences and paragraphs.
Believe me, this piece is not pouring out of me. I am actually having to think about what I write, rather than just letting go. Therefore I feel that this piece may flit about a little. Please ask or tell me if there is something that doesn't make sense because I don't read back before publishing and I don't check the spelling either!! (I am sure my friend Julie will tell me if I spell anything wrong or put a period in the wrong place!! :))
So let me just go back here, give a little filling to the main crust of this piece....
As I child I used to wake up with the most awful nightmares. This was pre any RTA. I used to go running into mum and dads bedroom and get in bed with them. Often crying my eyes out. I have always been emotional.
I remember when the next door neighbours dog 'went to the countryside to be with it's friends.' We all know, as adults, what this 'euphemism means. The dog had died.
Dilly the dog was called. I used to go out on the back garden at night, for a cigarette, yup, started early, smoking I mean. Nasty habit. Dilly the dog used to jump up, slavering tongue lapping at your face and him trying to leap over and come and play 'Let's make love to your leg' and other 'ball' games. Hehehehe!! <<>
Anyway I used my, 'not too bad' techniques of getting to the truth and got concessions off mum. No apology. I didn't want apology. I just wanted recognition that I never forget and will never lie on a subject so serious. This has hurt me to do this to my mum, who for some reason I still love dearly. She hates me. She always has. But this is not going to turn into a whys and wherefores about that...
Anyway let me fast forward a few years here...
I was diagnosed as having eating disorders as I have written briefly about somewhere or other, over 20 years ago. This was all seen as a 'joke' to my family. No joke.
How really nce of my 'close' family to take me to restaurants, as a kid and teenager, and even then be in severe distress and unable to eat the meals that were bought. My sisters got a choice of what they wanted. I always got bought the cheapest shit while they munched on steak! God O might, this a fine endorsement of my family. Well. I hope so anyway!! I have no family now. I have adapted and adopted myself into my cyber family. So far not too many of you have divorced me!!
So I need to get on with this....
The past few months. I have been having severe dietary problems. The 'days' of just living on copious amounts of sugar and Red-Bull with the odd binge thrown in here and there for good measure. Often resulting in anxiety as I wait for the food to return. Often not being disappointed.
I do not do this on purpose. I used to be fully in control of my eating, but sadly, I am having to accept that NEVER EVER will I have control over this particular aspect...
I think it may even be the death of me. I have said before that I am looking forward to getting off this planet anyway.
"I would never take any actions to hasten this exit..."
My body is doing a pretty god job of that itself.
I get a bit evasive when questioned too personally about all this. And anyone who I chat with, I think they know this, so KNOW better just not mention the eating bit at all. But most other subbies are not off-limits!! This is.
I am so happy at the moment. It is like my body is at war with this happiness.
I NEED my friends right now. YOU all know who you are. I can hardly talk to any of my friends around here about it or pretty much anything really. They are mostly a bit younger than me so they all keep me young. They thought I was 24 when I first actively seeking out a few friends around the ghetto hood!!!
So. I am not too worried. I think I look fine. (Well, actually I don't think that at all)
I will wait until Friday and just see what transpires. No doubt I will just say what I think my consultant wants to hear....
"I really think it maybe getting close to the time to tell her what she NEEDS to hear"
I am taking the positives from that last sentence....
Thankyou for taking time to read this, difficult for me to write piece. And PLEASE comment if you think that you have anything that I should hear. I really don't bite. Much, I will snap back every now and then, but only if I feel it is worth it.
Always......................
<(ovo)> Rob. xx 17.58pm ish 20/01/10
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