Lithium.

Of course, I'm fine....?

To the observant out there who actually read what I write here, you will have noticed it is nigh on 3 months since I last posted anything. I am going to write about why here and also so I don't have to write endlessly the same notes about why to a few others too!!

So here goes....

Every three years or so I end up in hospital. I lose too much weight (Too many years with eating disorders), my mood is too elevated (More about the 'moods' later) and sleep is something that doesn't happen...

Then anything from two months (my shortest and most recent stay) up to over a year later I eventually get discharged. The last few admissions have been relatively trouble free as quite a few years ago it was discovered that basically, Lithium 'rescues' me. I have MAJOR issues at the moment about my prognosis with Lithium, I am going to try to explain.

Firstly let me say I am a happy, fun loving guy, who could do with 'growing-up' a little maybe. I hope I am a good friend to have and would try to help anyone in genuine need.

I take lithium and I change. I am still 'me' inside. The drug just seems to steal the spark and the spotaneity that makes me.

Before, when it has been 'suggested' that Lithium is needed, I have always gone in hospital with the attitude that it will be alright as I always have the panacea that will rescue me again, should I need it. So now I have been told what I always knew was correct, that I will need to be on Lithium (And the ensuing blood tests) for years (A consultants' euphemism for 'Life.')

So what's the problem? I much prefer to be what and who I am, when not on Lithium. BUT even I admit that after the latest 'episode' when it was commented on by many of the staff that I had been discharged on previous admittances worse than the state that I went in this time, I just needed a rest and to get my voice back, believe me I never shut up, luckily, I don't talk too much crap and some of the misunderstandings can be amusing. Sometimes though I need to sleep so badly I could cry but I won't have sleeping tablets.

Another obviously, supposedly beneficial thing about Lithium is that it makes me feel hungry all the time... I am battling this and this is NOT a good thing, I know things are slipping somewhat on the calorie intake, but a little often is what I try and do, or loads every few days, again, not good.

I really don't know what to do and know I should just keep taking the lithium, it just sucks all confidence from me and makes me want to stay indoors more and more. I make myself go out daily though, but in the long term I can only see things getting worse.

I sleep so normally now, take 800mg of Lithium at night BUT just do not dream at all. Nothing. Nada. Now if you delve into my blog archives you will discover why no dreaming may be a good thing for me. I generally get into bed, now I have stopped sleeping in the bath (generally hour catnaps) well before midnight and wake between 6-9 am in a morning. It generally takes me an hour to groggily wake up though.

I have absolutely ZERO enthusiasm and don't look forward to much (ALL side effects) I don't laugh much anymore either, I still find things funny but find it hard to crack a smile.

Now I am totally 'Normal' again, do I stop taking Lithium and sit back, so to speak, and wait for the inevitable slide back into hospital (Which may not be a bad ride, given the shortness of my latest stay) Or keep taking Lithium and be, well, boring, and probably 14 stone by the end of summer too?

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