The Queens Speech.

Queen Elizabeth II.

(of England and something called the Commonwealth)

Don't get me wrong. I like the Royal family, to a certain extent.

Here follows an 'alternative' version of the traditional Queens Speech, usually recorded and shown 'as-live' on the public channels, Christmas Day, UK.

Queens Speech. 2009.

(Filmed anywhere other than freezing London. In August)

Cue the National Anthem.... Listen to that infernal piece of music, then the camera opens to 'wide' shot of the Queen of England, sat on her Throne.... As the last dregs of the National Anthem begin to die away, the Camera, slowly brings the Queens sombre, but with a 'Mona-Lisa' twitch secured at the corners of her mouth, face closer.... The Queen looks down, supposedly in 'reflection,' for a moment, looks up, directly into the camera.... (She goes slightly bozz~eyed as she attempts to focus on the prompter, feeding the words that she finally starts to relay......)

(THE SPEECH)

"I am always slightly embarrassed at all the warm hands I get on my entrance.

And the way everybody fawns and scrapes to me. But I must admit, I am used to it now...."

**Cuts to various pictures of the Queens year, including sharing a Jamaican Woodbine with Thabo Mbeki, Pointing at a map of the world with Mr Moon of the United Nations and Giggling, various Scissor Shots... Cuts to a crackling log fire.... The Queen looks composed and cool. Quite a miracle as she is filming in temperatures of over 100 degrees. The speech can be edited together later.

"My fellow Lords, Ladies, Gentleman, Boys and Girls. And imbeciles. Not forgetting the many millions of Illegal immigrants in this country, many working for this very Government indeed. To you all, I wish a very merry Christmas and a very prosperous new year. Of course, you will never be as prosperous as One.... But keep trying anyway, loyal subjects."

**At this point. The Queen sombre as usual. Suddenly she gives a knowing wink and a blinding smile, showing off a golden tooth with a largish diamond embedded into it. The reflection is dazzling.... A bell rings, strangely, like one of Pavlov's dogs, the blinding smile is instantly replaced by the old, familiar grimace......

"Looking back on 2009, the credit crunch bit everybody. Even one suffered. Losing a couple of million here and there. But I am glad to tell you that I have not only recuperated these losses... I have made billions more on top too. I have taken it upon myself to re-instate the monthly 'million dollar' bonus schemes for all bankers. And don't worry about your pension funds, sorted. We are all a happy family of bankers again. I like to spread a bit of Christmas cheer....."

**The Queen pauses, for dramatic purposes here, reaches to her right hand side for the glass on the table. The contents are not clear. The glass turns out to be a pint glass, full of a 'clear' substance. She polishes the whole pint of liquid in one swig, shudders, and shudders again and then lets out an extremely satisfied......

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

**The queen puts her arm out and drops the glass on the floor, missing the table.... Just. Like the old pro we know she is this slight mishap doesn't make her bat an eyelid and she continues.....

"Often at this time of year, thoughts turn to family and loved ones. Sadly we all lose people and Christmas is particularly difficult. This year was very hard for me indeed. I lost one of my favourite Corgi dogs. A present from my Cousin, Howling Mad Qadaffi, of Libya. The dog was named Shagger. I had Shagger for a long time. Philip, my husband, still after all these years was quite brilliant about it. It was an accident that he shot it thinking it was a Rabbit. That softened the blow of losing Shagger. The memory of Shagger being viscerated at twenty yards by a big double barrel bazooka, and my husband shouting..."Get orf my land...," in his semi quasi~German way. I know that my husband has been to the royal Taxidermists, 'Fluckem, Fleecem and Strange' of Bond Street to get me Shagger stuffed.....

**pauses

One remembers actually thinking to myself... Shagger is well and truly stuffed about this time."

**The Queen takes a moment of rememberance here... Staring artfully into the middle distance.

"To our Forces serving overseas. I make an apology. I too was drawn in by that slimy, lying bastard Tony. Weapons of Mass Destruction? Tony Blair.... Why did you not tell the truth?"

**The queen pauses again. Glaring at the camera.

"I am sure you will be alright Tony, Cherie and your family too. Luckily I hear you have pissed orf to live in America, where they seem to be interested in your strange way of delivering speeches, and pay you tens of dollars. Your oration not unlike my husbands second cousin, Hermann.

To the soldiers still serving in our forces overseas.. Hang in there. This god awful Government is on it's way out. Whoever gets into power will buy you another Chinook for Easter. I do hope you boys are having an Armistice over there in Afghanistan, The Falklands and Iraq. Play football against your prisoners... Have fun, eat Turkey, exchange Photos, get to know your enemy. Then after the days festivities you can go back to torturing these prisoners and any new Taleban who came to play Football. Just don't let the side down and lose against these Arabs at football though......"

**The Queen stares maniacally into the camera here and starts to laugh... clutching her sides.

**3 minutes later

"Take time to remember the elderly too this Christmas. I often sit and think about the elderly, having joined the brigade of the 'not so young' myself. The elderly have done their bit for us all. I have lost elderly relatives quite recently, obviously, my mummy."

**Removes tissue with Mono-gram of Lilybet on it.... And blows her nose, then opens it to inspect the contents.

"I remember when mummy went out with Bruce Forsyth, who I hear is taking a back seat now. Rumours of his death, gladly way off. Although judging from his performance on this years Strictly Come Dancing.... Surely it can't be long now Bruce. You deserve a rest. We all do....

"And so it just remains for me to wish you, one and all, a very Happy Hannukah and may your God bless us all."

**Again the queen looks down and glances at her watch.

"So how was that Dickie? Any better than the usual shit?"

**National Anthem plays over end credits

<(ovo)> xx

Rob. 12.52am Approx. 15/12/09

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